The Man Who Wanted To Die & The Trip That Saved Him

 Rich Soza 00:00 

Not the only one having my own problems. And my day is not peachy every day. But it is my choice whether or not I want to be happy today. And that’s what I share.  You know, there’s always a way to make turn a negative into a positive. But that’s if you want to, you know, if you want to hold on to it, you’re just going to wake up with it. That’s how I feel. You know, and I don’t want to wake up with it anymore, because that’s what drug me down.  

 

Judd Shaw 00:38 

Rich, my dear brother, welcome to the show. Thank you.  You know, before we get into faking your death, I wanna go all the way back to where we met, which is in California in rehab. I was in rehab for about, I think a week or two maybe, before you arrived. I hadn’t known that you had already been there before. And, you know, I took pride in this sort of head of household type role that I was adopting in the house. And I would always welcome people when they first arrived, right, making the newbie feel comfortable. And in comes this, you know, Texan Houston guy from a, I don’t know, how many hour drive directly there.  

 

Rich Soza 01:28 

 

Judd Shaw 01:28 

19 hour drive that you took. And in every session, early on in that first week, you were quoting the big book, you were giving everybody feedback. And it annoyed the shit out of me.  And you know, so much so that I remember that I got cynical about it, like, oh, if you know so much why you back here, right. And, and it and I actually even went to the head therapist and told him that you’re a distraction for the group. And you’re everybody’s pain in the ass. And, and I really tried to get you thrown out, which is the irony of how our relationship evolves. So your turn, you know, when you first met me, you know, what did you think? So don’t go back, I can take it now.  

 

Rich Soza 02:19 

you know, as you know, you, you were a know it on you were the leader, you had to be, you had to be the person. Yeah, you know, and the funny thing was, you would make sure everybody was up and on time and going around to rooms knocking on doors. You know, so yeah, it was it was it was funny, but annoying at the same time.  So I get it. Yes.  

 

Judd Shaw 02:45 

Yeah, I remember people were late to the to the group. You know, I was always like, group time, five minutes, group time.  Yelling very loud. Yelling. I’d put the radio by somebody’s door, where I’d go in and pull the comforter off somebody if they weren’t getting up.  

 

Rich Soza 03:01 

I think he even played in your child’s wake up song.  

 

Judd Shaw 03:04 

That’s right. Wake up, wake up. But you know, when you pulled out of group because you had a pacemaker surgery, that’s when I suddenly felt your presence. That’s when I, I would come to you to your room. And I would, and I would ask if there’s anything you needed anything to eat or drink. And you’re showing me your new fancy machine that you’re really impressed with. And, and that’s when I, I think I first realized that, whoa, we are not at all different. We are actually cut from the same cloth.  You talked to make people feel comfortable. You cooked to make people feel at ease and, and, and warm in their tummy. And you made your famous salsa, the Sosa salsa with chips. And, and we all, you know, enjoyed it deliciously and made popcorn for movie nights and organized these movie nights. And, and I actually realized that what we were doing in different ways was was trying to help people was trying to help others in our in our house. When did you when did your relationship or when did you see me differently?  

 

Rich Soza 04:28 

Well, I saw you differently when you were, we couldn’t go to the beach and we were organizing or you said, you know what, let’s go down and get some sand and bring it up here and pour it all over the patio. Yeah. Yeah. We set up the chairs. We already had a bonfire there. So you know, it was pretty neat.  So that’s when you and I connected because we were the ones going down to get the sand. I helped you set everything up. So it was basically the walks and the talks that you and I finally got to connect. And we started off with laughing first. We couldn’t stop after that. Every minute after that was nothing but a joke, but a serious joke sometimes too. But we landed in that right spot. And that’s where I think we connected.  

 

Judd Shaw 05:25 

Hmm. I remember that July fourth party. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was a barbecue. And we weren’t allowed to go on the beach despite we had this beautiful house that was on the ocean sitting over the Pacific blue. But yet, unless we had like a certain time or a certain day and monitor, we couldn’t go down to the beach. We convinced them to allow us to go down and bring up bags of sand. That was heavy shit. That was very heavy. And we laid it all over the patio. We had the playlist going and, and we really made everybody feel that they weren’t missing out on the holiday, that we could celebrate it together, right?  Because in rehab, you miss those days and it could get lonely. Right. And to your point, I think that those conversations were, were vulnerable, right? We’re they were authentic. I mean, we were able to sort of lean in on each other’s story. We had a lot of the, the, the drug use was the similar stories. And it was like we gave each other permission to be us. When a lot of times, among a group of strangers and group, you may not feel that way.  

 

Rich Soza 06:39 

Yeah, it was almost like a comfortable feeling. You were okay with opening up with me and I was okay with opening up with you. I mean, there were some times that we, at the beginning, that we butted heads a couple of times, but not like butted heads, you know? We just like looked at each other like, huh, huh, and just went on, you know? But I think all in all, I mean, our connection was, like you said, authentic. And it was a comfortable feeling, I should say.  And it was something that I just felt really good. When you left, it was kind of like, wow, he’s gone. And what am I gonna do to that now? We used to hang out so much afterwards. Totally. Yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 07:28 

We also had some ridiculous moments in rehab together. I mean, stories could go on and on. On and on. Yeah, just too much.  There’s some people just try to knuckle it or bear through it, but not us. I mean, we went through laughing and pranking. I mean, hell, do you remember the time that I actually had a Ferrari delivered to rehab?  

 

Rich Soza 07:55 

I do. I think that was the block, right?  

 

Judd Shaw 07:59 

They didn’t let me drive around it.  

 

Rich Soza 08:00 

Yeah. Well, I remember they did let you drive around the block one time. And other than that, it was in and out of the garage for a couple of times.  Yeah. Every time we got back to the house, you had to open the garage.  

 

Judd Shaw 08:17 

they would allow me they would they would pull in the garage, which we move the gym equipment, and I would drive five feet out 10 feet out. They told me not to go past the gray area of the street. And then I would have and I would go back in like 

 

Rich Soza 08:31 

I think you snuck down the street one time and he was gone.  

 

Judd Shaw 08:36 

Yeah, I did. I went around the street. I just couldn’t help myself. But that’s not the the only crazy thing we did.  You know, I mean, there were there were moments besides the July fourth party. You know, we were pulling pranks. But and then sometimes you’ve made this salsa like super spicy. And you know, how long have you been making that salsa by the way?  

 

Rich Soza 09:03 

Well, I’ve been making it just to make it for a long time. You know, I learned from my mother, you know, of course. As everything, you make it your own, you know. So it was actually there that we met. I cannot remember her name, but it’ll come to me in a minute.  Anyway, she asked me if I ever did it with fresh vegetables. I told her no. So one day we woke up and she had the whole center island full of all the fresh vegetables. Right. Yeah. And I asked her, I said, how do you know what to get? She goes, oh, I read the cans that you were dumping into the. That’s right. So that’s when the idea we made it. She wrote everything I put into it down. And it was like the the kickstart, you know, of Sosa Salsa. The name came up there, everything, everything just started falling in order. Yeah. So we didn’t let it go.  

 

Judd Shaw 10:03 

They had two houses at rehab. One they called the pool house, which was more inland. And one was the beach house. And we were staying at the beach house. And I remember I was there for an extended stay, you know, some 90 days or something, it was first 30 and 60 and 90. And actually, while still getting better, I wanted to stay there. I felt safe there. You were there. I had a routine. I wasn’t, you know, being chased or watched or it was just I was able to focus on my healing.  And then it came time where I was moved from the pool house from the beach house to the pool house because they needed the beach house room. Right. And and then I went over there. And, and it was kind of strange being away from you. But every once in a while, the beach house who come to the pool house to swim, right, we would reconnect. And then ultimately, I got discharged. And that’s when I found my apartment on the beach in in Newport Beach, right, which was incredible apartment and, and life started to begin to look a little different for me. And then for you, you went from you got discharged and you went to outpatient sober living, right? Same group and then you moved in with me, right? So not so 

 

Rich Soza 11:31 

long after I would come and visit you. I think it was every Tuesday. Yeah, something.  

 

Judd Shaw 11:37 

Yeah, your massage day. We grabbed dinner on my massage day, right. And then, you know, when we lived together, what was that like for you?  

 

Rich Soza 11:46 

Oh man, it was, you know, we were sober at first, and at first, and you know, it was exhilarating. It was like a little freedom, being able to walk outside and see the beach and relax, take those morning walks, eat morning breakfast, you know, what have you.  And the things that we did together, we didn’t always just not do anything. You were working in the morning. And I remember those when you would have your Zoom meetings with your, and I would actually accidentally walk behind, you would hit the blank screen. Dude, would you, you know? So we had a lot of laughs, you know, just dumb laughs and stuff, but being able to work with you also, you know, starting your call center with you, you know. Yeah, so that- At the law firm. At the law firm, exactly, you know, gave me something to do, and it was a project. It was fun, it was exhilarating.  

 

Judd Shaw 12:41 

Yeah, we were supportive of each other. But as you point out, you know, it was at first. And, you know, I think the saying is you hang on the tracks long enough, you could get hit by a train. And, and we relapsed. We relapsed together.  And so I was wondering, looking back, and for anyone going through the experience of maybe thinking of what does post rehab life look like? Did you think it was ultimately too dangerous in a way that we moved in so soon? And, and I know that we had good intentions. But nevertheless, in hindsight, there was a serious risk involved, because we’re both very newly sober. You know, what, what do you think about that experience when you look back?  

 

Rich Soza 13:33 

You know, if I look it back at it now, I look it back, it is a lesson, not necessarily so, you know, thinking that, oh, it was going to go bad, you know, no, it was a lesson because what you and I were doing when some other people would think was dangerous, you know. And I don’t know, it’s kind of, yeah, if I look back on it now, it’s scary, you know, it’s not a, I can’t believe I did it.  The paranoia, I guess, that came from us doing what we were doing, you know, by drinking on top of it too, you know, so, you know, because you weren’t so much a drinker. I was a drinker, you know, so it was that part that was getting kind of us mixed up in a little bit of a different area, you know, so it got to a point where I felt like you were, I was taking care of you, you were taking care of me, you know, so it wasn’t a bad, it wasn’t a good combination because we couldn’t take care of each other because we couldn’t take care of ourselves. That’s a good point. Yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 14:34 

Um, yeah, we, we got into some, we got into some stories. Yeah, some shady stuff.  

 

Rich Soza 14:42 

hahaha  

 

Judd Shaw 14:45 

You know, when I went back into rehab, I checked myself back in. I was actually at this point, clean, but I was worried that I was going to have a slip. And so I wanted to go back in because I felt that that was at the time, my safe space.  And shortly after, I don’t know if you remember, I started to go around to the homeless. And right, I would bring them chips, and I would go to Balboa Pier, and then Newport Pier, and drive my Ferrari to the Newport bus station.  

 

Rich Soza 15:18 

I was right before we, yeah, I would go visit, that was when I was visiting you and we, I went and I went with you a couple of times to deliver some socks and stuff.  

 

Judd Shaw 15:28 

You did. Yeah, we were given socks to the men, feminine products to the women. And, you know, I mean, I think that for me, I’ve mentioned it several times before that, that giving back, that paying it forward, that really being something greater than myself, and lifting others up that are in that hole that we’ve both been down. It’s the most sustainable joy that I ever feel.  And it’s a lot of the work that I do with speaking and helping other individuals and organizations and things of that nature. Why is giving to others so important to our own healing?  

 

Rich Soza 16:15 

To me, it’s because if I see you smile, and it makes me smile, it’s just a feeling that I get like, ooh, goosebumps, you know, I made this guy smile, for no reason at all. But then that feeling comes and says, what if I can do it all the time, you know?  And then it just gets bigger and bigger until I get complacent. But, you know, the whole idea of what you were doing was rubbing off on me, you know? And I started trying to do some of the things you were doing, but my problem was, I wasn’t trying to be me, I was trying to be you, you know? So that’s where I needed my lessons, you know, in myself.  I wasn’t connected with myself. I was connected into you, you know? So, yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 17:08 

Tell me more about that feeling.  

 

Rich Soza 17:10 

Well, you know, when, when I get feel connected with myself, it’s, it’s understanding where I am, you know, and when I’m doing something, I know that I’m doing it because I want to do it, not because you want me to do it. It’s because I want to do it, you know, and that’s where the connection comes in. You know, I have to separate myself from you. Yes, you can tell me where to go and what to do. But it’s up to me ultimately to do what I know how to do for me. Makes you feel more authentic. Makes me feel authentic. It gives me self power, power in myself, you know, I make my own decisions. And I can go, wow, I did that. You know, when I can look in, in the mirror and actually look at myself in the eye, it’s, wow, I did that. I actually went out there and done something special for someone. And I didn’t even think about it. It just happened. So that it was it was it was an exhilarating feeling. Yes.  

 

Judd Shaw 18:13 

And before you found the deep connection that I know that you have with yourself and others, you had deep disconnection. I have very deep disconnection.  Right, so there’s this moment now that I’m living in California and you moved out and I get a phone call from you and you tell me you’re dying. Mm-hmm. And you had about four weeks left to live and that, you still get choked up about that call.  But you weren’t and we’ll get into that but I’m wondering to help me understand what is it of that deep, dark sense of loneliness? What was going on emotionally and what was going on with you that you pick up a phone and I’m gonna call my best friend and fake that I’m dying.  

 

Rich Soza 19:30 

When I left and we parted ways in California, you were starting a new relationship at that particular time. And that’s why, hey, I need my space because I need to focus on myself now.  I took that trip, of course, loaded with all everything. I can get alcohol and what have you I drive straight through. And that trip was just lonely in itself. So when I got to where I was going, I felt empty. You had your life, but I didn’t have mine. Of course, my kids and my ex and my parents, I disconnected myself from my whole family because of the things and the choices that I made. It’s something that I can own up to now. Even what we’re talking about was hard for me to own up to. But in my mind, I was dying. I knew I was going to die. I just didn’t know exactly how. I felt like I had to prepare you for it because I was plotting my own death. I found my way out when the doctor said, hey, your stomach’s bleeding. If you don’t stop drinking, it’s going to bleed out because you’re already on blood thinners. And I was like, oh, that’s my way out. And I thought about that when I was alone drinking when he told me to stop drinking. And that’s where, what am I going to do? What am I going to tell Joe? What am I going to do? I’m going to die. And they’re not going to know. I want somebody to follow up with me to know that, hey, go check on Rich. And that’s where I came out and use that as my excuse because I wasn’t going to stop drinking. That was my way out.  And that’s all because the funny thing was I was laying on the couch looking up at the ceiling. This is that time going, wow, this is going to happen. This is actually happening right now. And I felt myself just fading away. Every time I went to the restroom, it was blood. And I was like, oh, when’s it coming? When’s it coming?  

 

Judd Shaw 21:56 

So you saw yourself as a dying man, and felt perhaps maybe the last set of control that you have in this is to almost fake the way you are dying. What I rich, I think we all inside have moments of screams from loneliness of wanting to be heard and seen.  And, and, and can you, can you describe the feeling emotionally? Can you describe what it was like when you pick up the phone, and I’m going to make this call and say this, because my life is that dark, and that terminal.  

 

Rich Soza 22:49 

I was scared.  Of course, I was on alcohol.  So that’s my bravery right there.  Some of me wasn’t even talking.  It wasn’t me talking.  It was the alcohol was my subconscious taking over my words at some time at some point saying, you’re gonna say this.  And you got to do it because this is I didn’t want to live anymore.  You know, I, I made up my mind that I was going to go and that feeling of emptiness and that that turning in my stomach, man, I was sick, I was I wasn’t thinking, you know, I was, my stomach was turning, my heart was beating fast, you know, and to calm myself down, almost every minute I would have to chug my bottle of vodka just to get me to, you know, okay, get through this, get through this, you know, even when I was talking to you, I was doing this, you know, and no food, you know, I was I don’t know if you remember, but I was like, really, really skinny.  Yeah, you know, yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 24:02 

I remember that towards the end when I was telling is you got to stop drinking, man.  Yeah.  You know, for me, I’ve been there too, right?  So in 2020, I was on the garage floor in my house, laying there.  And I, what I could do was curl up like in a fetal position, where I was uncontrollably shaking, and considering ending my own life.  And for me, that loneliness felt tiring.  It felt that I was just exhausted, that I didn’t have a fight left in me.  And, and I thought that that was the only way, ultimately, to remove this pain that I could not figure out a way to get rid of.  And it was the pain of going in that was going on in my head, wasn’t a physical pain.  It was just, just a tiredness.  But what was it feeling like for you?  It was like 

 

Rich Soza 25:16 

flashback. It was like, you know, like, literally lifeline going right.  You know, I saw my daughters when they were born, I was, you know, I was thinking of all the times I could have spent, and I didn’t, you know, and I was thinking, I was kicking myself down, making myself braver to do what I wanted to do. You know, putting all those bad thoughts in my head, not even thinking of the good ones, you know, not even to say what if I could. It was not an option anymore for me.  

 

Judd Shaw 25:55 

I think I asked you, you know, rich, if you have four weeks left to live, what do you want to do in your last moments of your life and and you shared that you wanted to go to Disney that that you would take your girls there, that you had fond memories of their that it was a happy place for you.  And I was like, you know, I mean, at the time we were just finishing the work with me and it was like, you know, let’s go to Disney, man, let’s, let’s do this.  And I flew from California and I, I met you in Orlando.  And we went to Disney World, you know, it’s so interesting that, you know, you were a dying man, but not dying at that moment.  And, and to be asked sort of like, you know, what, what’s like, I always thought about people who are about to, you know, be executed.  And they’re what’s your last meal and how they choose their last meal and why.  And when I asked that question, you know, what, what was it about this that in the way you answered 

 

Rich Soza 27:01 

It was mostly spending time with you, because every time we get together, there’s nothing but laughs, nothing but fun. If I wanted a memory, I wanted a memory with someone who wanted to be with me. You know what I mean? You’re the only person in the world, since we were inseparable, and we couldn’t help but enjoy being at each other’s company.  So, that in itself, but what happened was you ended up having to do something, having me from there. You saved my life without even knowing it. You had dinner with me. You told me that I’m getting picked up at 12 o’clock in the afternoon at checkout time at the front door of the hotel by a detox center, okay? And I was like, shit, that ruined my plans, you know? But other stuff happened there, too, and I still was at risk, you know? But it’s funny how, to me, things happen. I didn’t want it. You know, it’s almost like the universe was saying, okay, you know what, that’s your thought when we’re going to go through with it. I’m going to scare the crap out of you, you know, if you think about it that way. But you unknowingly did what you did at that particular point, and there’s more, but at that point, that’s where you made me feel it. You told me, man, if I were you, I’d be fighting for your life, and, you know, I would call every doctor in the world to see what I can do to take care of this stuff, and you seem like you just don’t give a shit. I remember that. You know, and that hit me hard. And just because I upset you, it wasn’t about upsetting me. I was like, damn it, why am I doing this, you know? And that hurt at that time. There’s others, but at that time, yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 29:10 

I love you, brother. Thank you.  You know, yeah, I didn’t want you to die a drunk man. I didn’t want you to die that way. I wanted you to be sober. Yeah. And, and I remember, you know, setting that up and detox, you know, the van came and picked you up. But, you know, before that, when I met you at Disney, remember, I mean, it was pouring raining one time. And we ran in the rain, and we got soaked in, you insisted, I said, let’s, let’s, let’s, let’s run in the rain. Let’s let’s, and I pushed you around. And you actually you’re in a wheelchair, because just recently, you would hurt your leg, you’d hurt your knee, you hurt your knee really badly. And unbeknownst to me, you know, I figured based on the fact that you’re dying of, of like a stomach issue, within the next few weeks, what the F did the knee matter? And, you know, you stuck a little bandage on it. And, you know, it had like this major cut on it. But you know, there I was wheeling you around Disney, here we are, in front of Epcot. And wow, yeah, what a moment, what a moment.  Remember that? Yeah, when we were there, I was, I was very worried about you coming off alcohol, because I knew from what I learned from people who came in from alcohol, I came in for crystal methamphetamine into rehab, that every time somebody would come in for drinking, they were monitored totally different, which was like eye opening to me, because I always thought like, like, if you’re drinking, you’re like a like wussy, you know, like I thought like, like, come on, like do drugs. And, you know, like, and but I didn’t realize how danger it is to detox off alcohol, where your body becomes so dependent on it, you can really have have serious medical issues.  And a lot of people come in for the alcohol. The first thing they would do is sometimes even get put placed on under supervision, or actually even go to the hospital for a day or two. And so while wheeling around, like we go on to a ride and, and then we come off, you know, we’re using the handicap section, because you couldn’t even walk at the time. And we would go and get you another drink, and you take a shot. And that would allow you to get to the next place. But throughout those two days while there, I thought to myself, I don’t care if you detox and died, it wouldn’t matter. You know, at least you died a sober man.  And so at 12 o’clock, on the button, we go to lobby about an hour before 11 o’clock, right. And we sit down. And I have the conversation that I never thought that I would ever have with anybody. And it was a way I just so unprepared for the kind of things I was even dealing with or talking about. And, you know, here’s my best friend in front of me. And I thought in one hour, it was the last time I would ever see you alive. And I asked you, like, how do you want to die? You want to get buried? You want to be cremated? You want your ashes thrown somewhere? Who do you want at your funeral? Who do you want to be notified? And you’re going through your phone and you’re sharing contacts with me.  

 

Judd Shaw 32:58 

Call this person and, you know, let my brother know, and he’ll let these other people know. And, and at the very end, I say to you, is there anything you want me to have to always remember you? And you take this bracelet off and you put it on my wrist. And I remember, after you got picked up, I gave you this hug and a hug and the guy was like, you got to let him go, man, we got to go.  And, and I send you a picture of that, you know, with wearing your wearing your bracelet. And are you wearing the bracelet? I am. There’s the bracelet. Yeah. Hold that up Yep. What did that mean to you? Like, why did you want me to have that bracelet?  

 

Rich Soza 33:50 

it was given to me in a special occasion by my mother. And considering that you were my brother, I wanted to make that known because I told my mother about you, you know, she knew all about you.  And I wanted I told my mom actually to keep in contact with you and that you would be contacting him when anything happens, you know, and that I believe before that I did some paperwork made you my power of attorney. Yes. Yeah. So, you know, I let her know that too, you know, but I told her about the bracelet and given it to you because it meant the world to me that she gave it to me, you know, so every piece of jewelry I got on is from my mother, you know, so otherwise, I wouldn’t wear jewelry at all. But you know, given this to you was I choked. I felt like I wanted to just I wanted to miss the ride. That makes any sense. I wanted to just you know, but you couldn’t let me because you were there. So you watched me the whole way through. Yeah. In my back of my mind was I wasn’t gonna go. I wasn’t gonna go. You know, this is not what I want to do. He’s ruining my plans.  

 

Judd Shaw 35:30 

I held on to it so long, about a year and a half or two years later, I caught up with you in a nursing home in Florida and returned your bracelet to you.  

 

Rich Soza 35:39 

Yes, you did, yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 35:41 

When you got into the van, knowing that you were not an imminent dying man, your, your health was not in good shape. And ultimately, you, you did escape death of another time. Right. But you’re, you’re not a dying man at that moment, you aren’t going to die in the next week or two, you, you, um, well, 

 

Rich Soza 36:04 

Yes and no. I didn’t know I was adding bacteria in my knee. That’s where that came up.  

 

Judd Shaw 36:12 

Yeah, but you didn’t know I didn’t know at that time. No.  So when you didn’t, when you knew what you knew, and you got in that van. And I feel like it was that, you know, I’m just gripping you like the last time. What was going through your head? Like, how were you feeling about now knowing what just had happened?  

 

Rich Soza 36:33 

I felt like I needed to find a way to make it work for me, to see what I can do.  Because I took your advice about finding out what I can do to take care of myself.  So I started looking stuff up.  But I’ve already convinced myself that I was going to do this thing.  And in my mind, it became real.  I was dying in my own head.  And I was going to find a way out, even if I was there.  Because I didn’t want to disappoint you again.  That’s how I thought.  And who would want to think about disappointing someone by not dying?  I don’t know if that makes sense.  Totally.  What does that feel like?  It’s just overwhelming of what can I do, what can I do, what can I do.  And then as I start sobering up in the detox, because the first week you’re in detox from alcohol, you’re out of it.  It’s like I’m drunk the whole time.  So that is keeping me in that spot.  

 

Judd Shaw 37:49 

that spot. So you’re not processing the emotions that I just left him, right? He thinks I’m about to die in a week or two. But in my head, I’m going to die ultimately.  And the the the alcohol numbness that emotion, right? Your knee was not good at all. It turns out that by us not cleaning it and taking any care of the wound, you developed a serious fungus that even was at one time worried that you were suffering from sepsis was a serious issue.  

 

Rich Soza 38:29 

It was, well, what the issue was, was I went boating. And I when I cut my leg, I cut it in the ocean. So when I did that, I received a bacteria into my knee. Okay.  

 

Judd Shaw 38:45 

That’s when you were trying to climb the swim ladder back in the boat, you slipped and you gashed your knee. And so the bacteria came in that way. Yes. Okay.  

 

Rich Soza 38:56 

Yeah. And then, uh, as, uh, as I was going to the hospital and the detox center was sending me to the hospital, they sent me to the hospital for my knee and then found out I had a blood clot. Okay. So they didn’t pay attention to the knee.  Uh, I went back again. They, because I had chest pain and they thought, okay, the blood clot moved. That’s when they put me in a CAT scan and, um, I became non-responsive. I actually died on the way back to my room. Um, of course I didn’t know, you know, what was going on until I woke up, um, with a doctor over me with paddles over my skin.  

 

Judd Shaw 39:43 

You were literally stroking out in the hospital.  

 

Rich Soza 39:46 

literally, yeah, I literally had a stroke. No, my at that point was my heart just died. The stroke didn’t come to later on.  But it took four times going to the hospital for the treatment center to get them to find out that I had a bacteria in my knee. So at that point, is when I went to the nursing home, because I spent two months in the hospital. And then I spent they put a pick line to my heart. And that’s because they found that fungus. And then they put me into a nursing home for about another five or six months.  

 

Judd Shaw 40:23 

Yeah, so the bacteria literally stopped your heart. And you’re getting you’re getting paddled. Yeah, I’m getting paddled. Yeah.  And so you stay there. And now I remember shortly after you arrived at the hospital, because of his power of attorney, they’re calling me. And they’re telling me about your knee or this it the other and I remember, like shouting at them, like this man needs he’s got stomach cancer, he’s bleeding, he’s dying, like he’s got you like what you’re talking you’re like, you know, looking over a cliff of 1000 feet and worrying if the if the water’s too, you know, too shallow, like, you’re dealing with these problems that isn’t the heart of the problem. And they said they will look into it. And they, they looked into all your medical records, and they call back in. And it was like, Mr. Shaw, like, he doesn’t have what you’re saying there’s there’s no evidence of a stomach cancer of this. And, you know, he’s got a heart issue. And he’s got this serious bacteria that we’re addressing right now. But know that there’s none of what you’re talking about. And that’s when I realized for the first time that your scream for that connection. The story behind it was not real. And so I was like, I can’t handle this anymore. It was, it was so dysregulating, it was so upsetting. I wasn’t mad, but I was just I had come to this point that I spent this time allowing myself to grieve your death, the loss of my dear friend and worked myself through that to accept that this was going to happen. And now that it wasn’t, at least in that moment, according to the nurses, I, I remember breaking down and I was like, you, you have to stop calling me, I don’t, I don’t want to be contacted again.  I don’t want to be communicated again. And, you know, and I, and I cut you off. I remember you were texting me quite a while until I blocked it and, dear brother, dear brother and, and I was wondering at this moment, you know, there’s, there’s really a tiny sense of brokenness in all of us. There’s always this internal scream to be heard. And when you knew that, like, at least the text messages were blocked, and you weren’t going to be communicating with me anymore. What was going on now at this point, on for, for the next couple months, while almost for a year that we didn’t speak, I think.  

 

Rich Soza 43:10 

Yes, it was in August of 2023.  I was laying in a dark room in bed.  I didn’t have anyone, anybody or anyone in my life that even cared, you know, I did have a couple of people that I kept in touch with, but nothing like them coming to see me like you did, you know, or be around me.  And I just, I lost, you know, I didn’t have my daughters, I didn’t have my ex, I didn’t have, I didn’t have anybody.  My dad disowned me.  So, you know, I had all this, you know, my brothers wouldn’t talk to me all this damage that I did.  And here I am back in the same spot again.  But this time was, was the call I got from you in August, I was literally plotting another suicide, you know, and you contacted me minutes before I was ready to make that move.  

 

Judd Shaw 44:28 

I think you had already purchased some alcohol and got snuck in some alcohol. Yeah, that’s the other thing they shared in their care plan that you had was planning to kill yourself or to figure out the way to end this.  And I it strikes me that each time that has happened in your life, I know that same theme for me, is connection versus disconnection, right? You your your daughters, your your your ex wife, your your dad, your mom, your brothers, me, you know, the world gets very small. Yes. And, and the sense of that loneliness, the despair of loneliness can creep in and loneliness can kill. Right. Absolutely.  

 

Rich Soza 45:16 

Um, yeah.  

 

Judd Shaw 45:18 

What was that like for you that I just happened to call at the very moment of this darkest time in all of one year that I had chosen by happenstance to check in on you?  

 

Rich Soza 45:38 

That’s an emotional part for me right there, because I was literally on my way out the door. I was in that bed looking straight up at the ceiling, getting ready in the next couple of minutes to stand up and then the phone rang. And I looked and it was you, I can see that it was you calling, you know, and my heart went 100 miles an hour going, damn it, dude, you’re doing it again, you know, why are you stopping me this time? And it’s almost like the universe was telling you to give me a call right at that moment, but I wasn’t thinking like that at that time. I was like, okay, getting up and when you told me or started talking to me and you started saying, look, I’m doing this thing and I want you to be part of it, I think about you all the time. And if there’s anybody I want to help, it’s you. That’s what you said to me. I can remember verbatim, you know, and then I broke down, I don’t know if you remember, I broke down.  And you said, do you want to do this? And I was like, yeah, I definitely want to do this. Hell, we had. So that just threw my, I didn’t bring it with me. I could have should have brought it. Didn’t even think of it. But from the first day, from the first assignment you gave me, I did it the very next day. You said write down, it’s a five and five. I want you to do five of this, five of that, five of this. And I want you to text me every day. Instead, I was writing them down. I was sending you, I think the picture of the pages as I was writing them down to show you, hey, I’m writing these things down. And I dated every single one of them. Till this day, they’re all dated. But yeah, I, it was the motivation. It was like, I creeped out with that shell just a little bit enough to do this until I started understanding a little bit more. But because you were talking to me every day, you know, I took me out of that, that dark thought, you know.  

 

Judd Shaw 48:13 

And you’re talking about the connection cure. Yeah, so I call you right and it’s I tell you so what happened was over that that time period, I began to learn more about human connection, and authenticity and the power of vulnerability, and I developed this framework, right, I called the connection cure conscious awareness of how we’re showing up for you for understanding where our disconnection comes from, our for renewing our connection with ourselves first.  And once we can make that connection with others, and then E for expand, meaning how can you now drive further connections for yourself and teach others how to connect. And I, I, I created this thing called the five for five challenge right five things for one day for five days affirmations on yourself, learning something about it and activity that you do. And I was, I was really amazed and blown away by the by the sheer way you just, you took that on. And you owned it, and you and you did that and with seriousness and determination. And you call me each day, but then you would also text me these things. And, and afterwards, I said, you know, you want to do it for 30 days, and we expanded the five for five challenge, and we turned it into 30 days, and we came up with some other things that we did.  And, and so I’m wondering, for you now, and, and, and I know that you’re now one who is deeply connected with yourself sober for how long now I’m 

 

Rich Soza 50:04 

Two years, two years next month.  

 

Judd Shaw 50:08 

Um, two years, you know, um, you know, and now in deeply connected with others.  And so I was wondering within those first 30 days, what was it about the connection tour, what was it about the work that I was doing and forgetting me for the moment, what was it that you were doing that began to reframe everything for you?  

 

Rich Soza 50:29 

the hard part. The hard part was you were telling me to stick affirmations and stuff on the mirror and look at myself and say the affirmations. And I was like, I would say him, but I wouldn’t look at myself in the eye. And I wouldn’t actually look down and I find myself looking somewhere else or and I would force myself to look and I would cry almost every time.  You know, everything I had sent to you, I said in that mirror until I was able to look at myself in the mirror and believe it and believe it. Wow. And it took a long time. It didn’t happen right there where I was.  

 

Judd Shaw 51:11 

Yeah, and that’s important for anybody who would go through too to recognize it’s it’s not an overnight thing. You got to stick to it because to your point, you got to believe it.  

 

Rich Soza 51:21 

Right. And it was I did it through that time, because that was near my end of being where I was.  And that’s where the other incident came when I was in the remember, I went back to treatment in Tampa. Yeah, that’s when yeah, and I kept doing it. I just kept doing it. And I was already doing it with my time time too, you know. But yeah, you know, it was I got I got to a point to where I was able to look at myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t quit. I just kept going. Consistency, I kept telling myself be consistent. And every day I wrote something down, I said, could be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. You know, so yeah, I was I was telling myself 

 

Judd Shaw 52:08 

You know this message well, because now you you go and you share the message yourself. What would you say about the connection cure?  What what what did it do? Like particular for your life that that transformed the way you show up today?  

 

Rich Soza 52:24 

helped me understand myself and connect with myself more. I didn’t so much look at you and say, I’m gonna fix you. That’s not how it works.  For me, it was like, okay, I want to fix me. And when I get this to where I’m comfortable with it, I think I even told you one time because you wanted me to write something else. You know, I just don’t feel comfortable right now until I get used to it. So I can be comfortable, be authentic when I actually do it. You agree? So that’s what I started doing. I started doing that. I started getting to where I was at a comfortable point with myself in a certain level that you had me on. You know, and when you put something out there, I always took that to heart and I learned that first. I stopped doing this and I said, Okay, I’m going to do this. And once I understand it, I’m going to share it. And I would put that in my shares, too. I would say, Hey, I’ll get back with you once I learn this. Yeah, it took steps, baby steps.  

 

Judd Shaw 53:30 

Well, my dear brother, we have come such a long way. And so have you. Now, you send out a nightly message on your group. It’s a large group. You spend an hour or two, maybe longer sometimes putting your message together. It’s no chat GPT kind of thing. You really speak from your heart, you speak from the cure, you speak from connection. And, and in so many ways, you become now this beacon for others.  And the irony is that now I’ve gone through some difficult times. And I get your message. And it’s your message that I hold on to that helps me believe that tomorrow will be a better day. What is it about this expanding? What is it about now sharing this connection and encouraging others that that works for you?  

 

Rich Soza 54:21 

So I tell myself I don’t have a crucible. I can’t read the future. So I live it by the day.  And when I share these messages by the day, I don’t just share to share. I share my experiences. What I go through, what I feel for the day. This is what I did. You know what I felt uncomfortable about. You know, this is what I did. And I always use I because I talk about myself. I don’t try to tell anybody what to do. And I get messages matched for people that relate in it, you know, relating to. And I don’t just send it as a group message. I send it to each and everybody individually so that if they want to share back, they can share with me directly. And if they want me to put it out there, I’ll put it out there in my next share. You know what we discussed because I’m not the only one having my own problems. And my day is not peachy every day, but it is my choice whether or not I want to be happy today. And that’s what I share. You know, there’s always a way to make turn a negative into a positive. But that’s if you want to, you know, if you want to hold on to it, you’re just going to wake up with it. That’s how I feel. You know, and I don’t want to wake up with it anymore because that’s what drug me down. I would wake up and the first thing I want to cure my anxiety is a drink. And I can’t have that anymore.  

 

Judd Shaw 55:47 

So yeah, it’s it’s it’s so interesting how 360, you know, it is that we came back to the fact is helping others, sharing that message with others.  You know, as we wrap up here, Rich, I would want to know, for someone listening today, that who might think that they’re out of options, that their loneliness is so dark, that they can’t find the light.  Of that tunnel, and that nothing will ever change.  And that may be the only way out is really truly to end it all.  What advice or message would you want them to know from you being dying man?  

 

Rich Soza 56:36 

there are signs that are given to me without me even looking for them. Your phone call, something, you know, I see in a book or, you know, wow, I needed to see that today. I take it to heart now and I notice those things because being in that dark place is a choice.  It’s where I want it to be. And I told you that earlier. I want it to be there. I want it to stay there. I want it to find that excuse. But almost every time I told you that, if you notice, there was always an out that I always got away from trying to back myself out of the corner. My suggestion would be if you see an out, take it. It’s there for a reason. Take heart, you know, believe in yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror first and ask yourself if that’s really something you want to do. Or is there a way to ask for help? Because one thing I didn’t notice is that there’s always help. You know, if I want it, it’s there. You were there. If I wanted it, I could have asked you for it. But I chose not to.  

 

Judd Shaw 57:55 

Hold on to hope, hold on to hope.